Wine of confession

Well, .what can I do .. the result was out but was not something as expected, but prior to this I had confirmed everyone that I was now left with only 3 papers so confidently, even my parents. But since I was not able to get the previous sitting papers done, I am now actually left with 5 papers. I was so confirmed previously because I believed on my belief on success, however, did I really put that much effort enough to succeed? ... I was not realistic and prudent at all!

I dont have much feeling of sadness for it, perhaps somewhat deep inside me already got the true answer, just that I was not brave enough to admit. Or perhaps currently I need nothing more than failure.

I am now very confused, I have no confidence of whether I do have a chance to further study in uk though I have told everyone that I will be so. Anyway, I already have a plan for both whether I can go or cannot go. I already live with unsatisfied, if I am not able to go, I would not stay on current either! fed up!

I know what I am living for but it is too hard for me to stand!

Sometimes I wonder, my life is my personal stuff, why do I have to care so much about others' view, since they cant do for me anything, pointless to care so much about unconstructive stuff ....

Anyway, hopefully I can do my best everything then, learn not to be too mood driven. No matter how life is, I still have to carry on, I still have to finish my study, I have to go for better job and so on ... since I still have so many things to settle, why dont I get them done well first ... since I still have friends around, learn to appreciate the moments we have ....

It's always been my sick to go for those I dont have and ignore those in hand. If so it is really no point for me to get everything since I dont know how to appreciate, nothing different from as if I get nothing.

I have friends, but not many, being friend with people is not really something easy for me. If I am not initiative and friendly enough to talk with people, I would not have any friends. It seems making friend is not something naturally for me. Am I really that horrible and flagging enough to befriend with? Sometimes I can strongly feel people dont really like to talk to me, sure I will never talk to them either once I find that.

And as some other people, I started to know more friends online and try to enlarge my circle of friends. However,I am flagged with that coz it is hard to deeper the friendship, it is just like someone
you meet somewhere in the world, then everything back to nothing when you back to ur own, they are just like a wind passing infront of you for a while. Of course, there are still some do keep in touch with you.

Gradually, I seem to find that making friend online somewhat represents u r lack of friends. I wonder do I really give such impression to people, and so I dare not to tell anyone of them that I dont have bf yet.

Luckily, sometimes I still feel free to make friend via online, at least it helps me lots in increasing ma knowledge, provided you r lucky enough to meet those of good.

I am having flu today.

22th round the valentine's day for me, nothing much different from the past, still no one there to date me out, nor has anyone there stand by to be with me. I m again, too shame to tell that I still stay alone in this round of valentine and so I just pray for to have no one asks me about that.

I dont know how long will this kind of valentine be last for, next year? or going to be every year in my life? too terrible but somehow could be. I dont wish so but what if it is the fact? ... I m not really pessimistic born but just defeated by the reality.

I have never been approaced before, nor dare I to go after anyone I m interested in. I m not too ugly to be come to, but still there is no one to come to me. I totally have no idea of what da hell is going on to me, what I can do is just to stay dissappointed.

There are some gals, neither they are pretty nor seductive, nor any achievements done by them to be admired, there are just so many flies and bees surrounding them, and somebody willingly to do everything to them. It does not make sense to me at all but the explanation of destiny.

I seem to be born to stay alone, I can do nothing nor I dare to do anything with that. I just feel that I want to stay far from everyone, dont want to let anyone knows what I am depressed for, and what I am truely care for ... just feel that it is too shame to be known. Yea,... being in this way will never make me feel better, but if having this to be told will probably make me feel worse.

I have no idea of how to release myself but to distract my focus to somewhere else most of the time. Crying may be the only temporary panadol for me but better than none.

This is my second blog, which will never be known to anyone known ... here is somewhere for me to confess everything without having any embarrasing to make me feel worse .... trying to have somewhere safe for me to be frank to myself.

There are too many lies in my life, I m too shame to have these lies to be revealed to my friends. However, it is also too suffer for me to keep everythiny on my own .... I have no idea of how it will be to have my privacy to be unsealed to strangers, at least it is not that embrassing enough for me to hold my step up.

Anyone going to know my stuff wouldnt get to know me, those know me would not get to know my stuff, somewhat I m still invisible to everyone, I am too coward to have myself to be wholely known ...

Since I dont want to have some part of mine to be told presumably I can hardly get close to anyone or have anyone to get close to me ... anyway, this is my choice... I choose to stand alone .